


Ye Olde HuniePop

by CrystalMoonlightI, Cypher_DS, Lemonade_Stand_Owner, masterdoriangracey, Mystic_Knightwolf



Category: Huniepop & Huniecam (Video Games)
Genre: Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-10-30 19:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 15,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17834924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalMoonlightI/pseuds/CrystalMoonlightI, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cypher_DS/pseuds/Cypher_DS, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemonade_Stand_Owner/pseuds/Lemonade_Stand_Owner, https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterdoriangracey/pseuds/masterdoriangracey, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystic_Knightwolf/pseuds/Mystic_Knightwolf
Summary: The Kingdom of Glenberry is taken by surprise when its 'beloved' Princess Audrey vanishes without a trace. Now, it rests upon the shoulders of a band of unlikely heroes, rogues and vagabonds to save the Lady. But the question is - with each of them competing... which one will win the day? (A collaborative role-play adventure as told by HuniePop's finest fan-authors!)





	1. Prologue - A Party Princess Vanishes

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome one and all to this very exciting collaboration! What you're about to read is a fusion of all things fun and fantastical: a shot of HuniePop, a dash of role play and a sparkling twist of Dungeons and Dragons high fantasy!
> 
> So yeah, my buddies and I sat down and decided, "what if we put the HuniePop girls into an epic swords and sorcery fantasy world?" Who would be the noble paladin, who would sneak around as the thief and who would be the explosive-loving mage? What kind of kick-ass quest for loot and booty would they undertake? 
> 
> In the end, each of us chose one girl or fan-character to guide through a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Prompts were given to set the story in motion and each participant wrote out how his or her hunie would surmount the challenge. Elegant swordsmanship? Crafty magic spells? BASHING IT WITH BRUTE, BARBARIAN STRENGTH? Read on to find out!
> 
> This prologue comes to you courtesy of Master Black Lucas. Check out his stuff at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5173200/black-lucas42yahoo-co-uk

The hour was late. The glaring sun that shone upon Glenberry had long since laid itself to rest, and its vigil had been taken up by its lunar sister. The kingdom was falling quiet, as the birds nested in their trees, the rats scurried into their holes, and the people fell wearily but gratefully to their beds.

The silence would have been complete, were it not for one tavern whose windows still glowed orange with the light of candle flames, and whose rafters still shook with merry singing and uproarious laughter.

The tavern known as 'Lussity's Inn' was in no way special. It had not been chosen by destiny, or fate, or by the powers that lay among the stars. Nor, in fact, did it carry any particularly fine ales or rare wines. It did not even have a particularly worthy reputation. Its occupants were mostly farmers and slobs, helping themselves to a tall, foaming mug of stout before heading sloppily to their homes.

The tavern was only special for one reason and one alone: it was the nearest to the castle.

"Don't you know who my fucking aunt is?!" Princess Audrey drunkenly yelled over the noise of the tavern. "Cut the shit and bring us more wine!" She yelled, hurling the already dented tankard at the landlord's head. It missed by a wide margin, as Princess Audrey was not known for her ranged combat skills (especially when staggered by alcohol), but the landlord understood the message well enough. It was unwise to argue with Princess Audrey when she had been drinking... or ever, for that matter.

Princess Audrey hurled herself back down onto the bench, jostling her two companions with the impact. She was by no means a large person, but her mass could command some degree of force when she was angry enough.

To her left sat her life-long friend (and, some dared say, her romantic partner), the captain of her personal guard regiment Les Belles Dames, the Lady Tiffany of the House of Maye, adorned with her usual garb of mailed armor, her family crest upon her tunic, and her rapier in its belt-mounted scabbard.

To her right was an unusual sort, a bookish young woman whose face was framed by a large pair of spectacles, and concealed almost totally by the hood of her robe. The woman within the robe was named Nikki, librarian of the castle, practicing maester, and confidante of Princess Audrey. Many a night had been passed as Audrey regaled the virtuous young lady with stories of her conquests around the kingdom, both liquid and physical (in most cases, both at once).

Although neither Lady Tiffany nor Nikki would consider themselves heavy drinkers by any stretch of the term, it was Lady Tiffany's duty to ensure the safety of Princess Audrey at all times, while Nikki had simply come along at the Princess's bequest (or as she knew it, her insistence).

"Who wants more wine?!" Princess Audrey shouted to her companions. Lady Tiffany gazed at the forlorn tankard of wine resting in front of her, untouched since it had been poured.

"No thank you." She replied, politely but sternly, as was the way of Les Belles Dames.

"C'mon, bookworm!" Audrey yelled, hooking an arm around Nikki's slumped shoulders. "Live a little for once!"

"I'm fine with my water." Nikki murmured, turning back to her own mug. Audrey, as usual, scoffed at her prudish friends, and helped herself to more wine, filling her tankard to its brim.

The night was like many others. The Princess, growing bored of life within the stone walls of the castle, and lusting for some wine (and other things) declared her intention to ransack every watering hole of ill repute within the kingdom of Glenberry, until her mighty thirst was satisfied.

Thus Lady Tiffany had readied her steed, and the shy young Nikki had been roped along, and the trio rode to the nearest tavern, where Princess Audrey proceeded to drink her weight in liquid intoxication.

And as was the same with every preceding night, as the church bells rang at midnight, Lady Tiffany set about the unenviable task of escorting Princess Audrey home.

"It is getting late." She commented bluntly.

"So what?!" Princess Audrey replied, droplets of blood-red wine running down her soft lips.

"We should be returning soon." Nikki murmured. Lady Tiffany was grateful for the support.

"Aw, c'mon! One more round!" Audrey yelled, but the other patrons of the tavern were already clearing out. They had homes to go to, and families to tend to. Even the landlord was eying the trio with a degree of tired resentment.

Lady Tiffany withdrew a handful of gold coins from her belt and left them carelessly on the table, not bothering to count them. She considered any extra as an apology for any of the Princess's lewd or unladylike behaviour during the evening.

"Come now, my lady." Lady Tiffany said gently, as she began to help Princess Audrey around from behind the table. Audrey, like a sullen child, allowed herself to be manhandled without making a complaint. She was too drunk to really notice what was happening, at least until she found herself mounted on her horse.

Lady Tiffany and Nikki climbed onto the knight's own steed, and together they rode back to the castle, as Princess Audrey muttered and rambled about the night's events.

"Holy shit, that one guy! With the face like the pig! Did you see him?!" She called to Nikki, who shook her head in response. "You must have! He was so fucking ugly, I swear to god!"

She let out a laugh as she recalled his face.

"And-and did you see, did you, that ugly bitch?" She shouted over the roaring wind with a cackle. "The one bitch, y'know with the kid, everyone knows HER! And that way she stared at me?! Fucking whore-ass bitch needs to learn..."

The wind drowned out the rest of the conversation as they neared the castle. Lady Tiffany was glad that, for the late hour, the Princess's aunt would undoubtedly be fast asleep. The lecture could wait until morning.

* * *

Princess Audrey's laughter could be heard all through the halls of the great castle, it was a struggle to escort her from the grand front doors to her bedroom (a challenge in no way lessened by Nikki's departure as they passed the library), but the steadfast knight did her duty as honourably as ever, and within minutes they had reached the Princesses bedchamber.

"As ever, Princess, I shall be at your beck and call." Lady Tiffany said with a bow. "If you need anything, I shall only be two rooms away."

"Yeah, whatever." Princess Audrey muttered, pulling at her dress. She had picked a particularly loose one prior to the evening's entertainment began, in case she needed to remove it in a hurry.

With the reckless abandon of youth, she let the fabric slip from her body, leaving her in little more than her lace stockings and underwear. She seemed not to even realize that Lady Tiffany was not only in the room, but was watching her every move.

The Princess kicked her dress to one side and padded across the cold flagstones towards her bed, hurling back the covers. She turned, glancing back at Lady Tiffany.

"What, you want to join me or something?" She asked with a slovenly sneer. Lady Tiffany's furious red blush went unnoticed by the drunken Princess, who set about blowing out her candles for the evening.

The armored knight quietly left, and Princess Audrey was left alone... or at least, she presumed as much. In truth, she had been watched the entire day, and pursued at every turn. Even the gallant Lady Tiffany had been unable to notice their shadowy tail, whose relentless pursuit hadn't let up for a moment.

And now that the Princess was alone, the trap was ready to be sprung.

Princess Audrey didn't realize anything was the matter. At first, she merely felt a little cold, as though a breeze had snuck through the castle walls somehow. Then, for a moment, a shadow fell across her skin, and with it came an icy chill unlike anything the Princess had felt before.

"I must admit..." An unfamiliar voice said from the darkness. "You are a difficult subject to follow." The voice seemed to be coming from all around her, and yet Princess Audrey found herself unable to move at all.

"You wander so aimlessly, you have so little direction... were it not for your drunken bellowing and slovenly demands for intercourse, you would have been totally lost to even myself."

The shadows seemed to be binding Princess Audrey to the spot, literally enveloping her ankles and wrists like chains of pure steel.

"But my mission has been successful. I finally have you in my grasp." The voice spoke, drawing closer to the Princess's ear. As if to emphasize this point, a shadowy claw suddenly gripped Princess Audrey's delicate breasts, its sharp talons digging into her soft, pampered skin. She wanted to let out a squeal, but her mouth seemed unable to open.

Suddenly, from her left, she saw her captor, silently stepping around into view. She was slender, and short, her face hidden behind a china mask adorned with scarlet symbols. Her body was mostly covered by black robes, but her arms were bare, and Princess Audrey noted the spiralling scarlet tattoos of what appeared to be dragons, which traced their way up the assailant's arms, from her wrists to shoulders.

"I hope you have enjoyed your time in Glenberry." The figure said, as Audrey realized the voice was female. "For this night will be the last you spend upon its soil."

* * *

For the rest of her life, Lady Tiffany would never be quite able to explain what, or why, or how... but some way or another, she found herself back at Princess Audrey's bedchamber. Perhaps it was a nagging sense of uncertain yet prevalent disaster, or perhaps it was how lonely her own bedchamber felt without someone beside her, but whatever the reason, she found herself staring at the solid oak door.

She wrapped her knuckles against the wood, awaiting a response... and got none. She waited a moment, then tried again, still with no response.

Princess Audrey was asleep, of course. She shook her head at her own foolishness, the Princess was trying to rest; it was childish to expect her to awaken purely to pay attention to a lowly sword-wielder like herself.

Lady Tiffany considered turning away, going to her own bed, and sleeping off her woes... but she couldn't. She had to at least be near the Princess one last time for the night, just to be there, to hear her breathing, to smell the scent of lilies that followed her everywhere.

It was an odd sensation, for one whose entire role in life is to stand by another, to wish to be with them more often, but Lady Tiffany disregarded such thoughts with a decisive wrench of the wrought-iron doorknob.

She entered the dimly lit bedchamber, the only light coming from some candles, which had burned so low they had nearly gone out. The bed was a mess, the sheets everywhere, but such a sight was so common in Princess Audrey's chambers that Lady Tiffany thought nothing of it.

She approached the bed quietly, her armor making more noise than she'd like, as she felt her heart leaping from the scandal of it all. But as she neared the bed, her inherent sense of something being wrong became to rise.

She reached the bed and hurled off the sheets, finding the bed almost totally empty. There was, in fact, no sleeping Princess. In her place, there was little more than a scroll of parchment. Lady Tiffany snatched it up, and almost immediately realized the paper was of a smoother, finer nature than that of Glenberry's mills. It was from a foreign land.

The scroll had been bound with a length of scarlet twine, which she snapped with ease and unrolled the parchment. It bore a simple message, etched in an elegant, curving script. An educated observer would assume the glyph on the paper to be little more than a drawing of some animals, but those who knew the symbol knew it well.

It began as two dragons, each flying upwards, with their tails intertwined together in the space left between them. The tails were bound together so tightly that it appeared as if the two dragons were indeed one, as they soared into the sky together, breathing great plumes of fire from their magnificent jaws.

Altogether, the two dragons created the letter 'U', carefully inscribed upon the fine parchment in gleaming amber ink. In the dim light of the bedchamber, it looked as if it were drawn with fire.

At the sight of the icon, Lady Tiffany felt her blood turn cold. She rolled the parchment back up, and steeled her resolve. It meant only one thing. The nation of Ukiyo had kidnapped Princess Audrey.

This in itself could mean an act of war... or something worse. For many years the western kingdom of Glenberry and the eastern nation of Ukiyo had shared an uneasy truce, after many battles that had left both sides badly wounded. For their own sakes, they had agreed on simple terms: no more interfering with each other's concerns. They would stay to their own lands, and never ask each other for as much as the time of day.

For the nation of Ukiyo to claim responsibility for the kidnapping of the Glenberry Princess... it could mean the truce was coming undone. The years of peace they had endured were coming to an end. Blood would be spilled, entire houses would be slain, and agreements would be broken...

Lady Tiffany turned and ran from the bedchamber, her mailed boots thudding against the castle flagstones with every stride. There was no time to waste.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A princess kidnapped! A fragile peace threatened! A nefarious plot set in motion! Who will answer the call to rescue the Lady Belrose?
> 
> Stay tuned, dear reader and prepare to meet your hunielicious party members!


	2. Part I. The Tale of Kyu Sugardust

It was a bright and sunny day in the kingdom of Glenberry. The kingdom's subjects bustled from place to place, buying and selling and meeting and talking. The din was loud enough to mask the angered cry of a young man as he realized his wallet had disappeared, along with the girl he had been flirting back and forth with. Fuming with rage, he stomped off to wherever, probably home.

Kyu Sugardust snickered to herself from behind a tree a few yards away, the man's pouch of gold clutched tightly in her hand. Man, human guys were way too easy. Just say something vaguely dirty in a somewhat sultry voice and you've got 'em. Now that she was a safe distance away, she could finally take a look at what was actually in this thing.

The faerie thief stuck her hand in and felt around a bit. It was just as she had expected, mostly coins, until she hit something that /burned/. She yelped, tossing the pouch onto the ground in her panic, watching its contents spill onto the dirt in front of her.

"Fuckin' iron." She muttered to herself, before looking closely at the spilled valuables.

Right there, within all the coins, was a glimmering jewel, within a ring of iron. It looked pretty valuable alright, and rare too. She'd never seen a ring made of iron before. She could probably make a lot of money off of this.

Satisfied with her findings, she emptied the coins into her own wallet, but kept the ring in the stolen pouch, keeping it away from the rest of the treasures, lest she accidentally burn herself again. She snapped her fingers and walked back into town. Due to the cloaking spell, she was pretty much non-existent to the rest of the world. No one could see, hear, or touch her until she disabled the spell or ran out of energy. Thankfully, her hideout wasn't far. She could leave most of her findings there, and then skedaddle back into town to waste away the rest of the day.

Of course, she could just teleport, but it sapped a lot of energy, and she'd rather not tire herself out so early on. She still wanted to get absolutely shitfaced at the tavern later, and she couldn't do that if she exhausted herself in the middle of the fuckin' day.

She suddenly realized she was standing right in front of her hideout. Huh, time really does fly when you're having fun, or in this case, thinking about having fun.

After dropping her stuff off in the small cellar, she made her way back to town, stopping in the square for a bite to eat. Just as she was getting ready to move on, she heard the town crier step up to his podium.

"Princess Audrey has gone missing! Queen Brooke has put out a call for adventurers!"

Adventurers, huh? Sounds fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It all starts with one.


	3. Part I. The Tale of Tiffany Maye

Lady Tiffany Maye, first of her name, was often thought of to be nobility birthed into the commonblood.

The rich and the poor alike loved her blue eyes, her golden hair, her skill with the flute as well as her smile and her voice. Since childhood, the girl was beloved, especially by the Princess Audrey, and they’d spend hours talking and playing when they were just little girls. The Princess ranted and raved about having her old friend with her as a confidant and advisor, but given her lowborn status, no matter how much she was loved by the people, the highest honor in her grasp was to become Kingsguard, and that was only if she passed.

So she accepted, and despite the public uproar of giving a woman a sword and armor, Princess Audrey made it happen. But when Tiffany’s training was complete, she didn’t don the cute red rose of Belrose. The flower remained red, but surrounding the rosebud were thorns, a personal touch for Audrey’s personal guard. Tiffany didn’t wear the imposing thick armor of the Kingsguard, but rather a light, yet stylish set suited for her. She didn’t wield a heavy longsword, but rather a rapier handcrafted for speed and precision. She wasn’t big, strong, and imposing. She was lithe, bright, and agile. And she wouldn’t have it any other way.

But even decked in armor and escorting her princess, Tiffany loved to play her flute as they walked through the district on one of her grace’s shopping sprees, even collecting a little extra spending money. Audrey wanted a bodyguard that would talk to her as well as protect her, not just shadow her through the shopping districts, scaring away the children.

She had a name, title, and the beginnings of a place to call her own. But Tiffany’s ambitions didn’t stop there. She wanted to be able to provide, to give back to the people. She originally wanted to become a maester, heal the sick and wounded, but Audrey’s wishes were for her to make something of herself, possibly even advise her later down the road, and so Tiffany eventually turned that to her advantage.

On a matter of technicality, even though she was the sole member, Tiffany _was_ the commander of Audrey’s personal guard _Les Belles Dames_ , and as such, that gave her the authority to decide which skills its members were required to learn. Tiffany included basic medical aid and nursing, and without so much as a glance, Audrey signed off on it. And who else to teach her medicine and medical treatment other than Audrey’s other closest friend, Maester AnnMarie?

Even though the guard was comprised of a beloved lady of the city, in service to an even more widely beloved princess, their ranks were always small, not reaching more than a small band, due to the princess’ very specific preferences.

However, Tiffany and her ladies, as one could imagine, weren’t taken seriously alongside the Kingsguard in matters of combat, and in the face of having her legitimacy as a knight and a commander challenged, Audrey jumped at the chance to establish herself and arrange a duel between the leader of her guard and the lord-commander of the Kingsguard. Size, strength, and experience met with speed, agility, and a bright mind. And against all odds, Tiffany won.

From that day, _Les Belles Dames_ were officially recognized as the personal guard of Princess Audrey.

And that’s where the story truly begins.

It may come as a shock to most, but there were few times in Lady Maye's young life that fear overtook her features like they did now. She was always the cheerful, confident, determined one, always ready to meet a problem face to face with that bright smile of hers. But right now, her blue orbs were wide with worry. Around the corners and down the long corridors of Rosewater Castle, Tiffany ran as fast as her legs could carry her, the nighttime halls aloud with running footsteps and heavy panting.

The girl hadn't stopped running since she stumbled upon what was wrong. Heart hammering, sweat glistening, body pumped to the brims with adrenaline, but through the turmoil going on in her head, Tiffany did allow herself a small grin, wondering how loudly her princess would proclaim how ridiculous she looked running down the halls like crazy. And it was enough to force herself to calm down before she reached the Queen's chambers to tell her of the bad news. And what was the news that called for her unceremoniously barging in to wake the queen?

Audrey was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then there were two. Childhood friend? Check!


	4. Part I. The Tale of Mike Winters

For hundreds of years the noble houses had vied for the attentions of the royal family. Likewise, each of them (still to this day) held varying degrees of power. Some of them held the rose-tinted influence to whisper directly in Queen Brooke's ear. Others held great sway over the Kingdom's armies - leading men and women in campaigns against those who threatened the balance of power. Some were rich. Many were poor. And there were a couple that sat nicely in-between.

House Winters was one of the poorer ones. With its matriarch gone and its branches trimmed to a single male heir - clouds loomed. Yes, this small and unassuming house had money, but without influence to line the right pockets with said money, it made for a colorful situation.

Not that Mike of House Winters gave a solitary damn. Titles and connections came with hard work and opportunities - all of which were open doors for men of talent. And Talent? Oh, Mikey had it in spades.

So much so, in fact, that he'd spent the whole morning (since sunrise) serenading the gorgeous young lassies in the market square. His fine imported violin in hand, he set about capturing minds and stealing hearts for his own.

"Oh Jennifer," one of the ladies uttered, positively swooning. "Look how handsome he is."

"I know, Jen. I know..."

Bait. Set. Match.

"Thank you ladies, thank you," bowed Mike. A tap on the shoulder from a large, portly gent in upper-class, red velvet dress, tore his attention from the all-important ladies. A shame too. They were right were the Bard wanted them.

"Ey lad," said the man, giving his beard a scratch before he passing along a piece of parchment paper. "They say you're a Noble? You are, ain't ya? Insignia on that waistcoat 'a yours gives it away. Well... I gots a proposal for ye. Get yer arse to the castle up yonder."

"And why would I do that?" Mike unfolded the paper, giving a few choice lines a swift read.

He whistled, impressed. Missing princess with a reward to whichever highborn found her.

"Count me in."

Winters would win the girl - he always did. Determined, he packed up his violin and gave a showman's bow.

"Until next time, you fine damsels."

If luck remained on his side, then he'd soon warm the bed of a real lady. For they didn't come finer than Princess Audrey.

Red hair? A Slender figure? Porcelain skin? And that then there was her dirty, dirty mouth.

Mike smirked, cool and in control.

"Tis time to raise the curtain, for my show is about to begin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And two became three. Introducing Mike Winters, our first fan character of the group and most talented lover of ladies.


	5. Part I. The Tale of Beli Lapran

To open any creature’s heart, Beli Lapran knew three simple keys: kindness, patience and if all else failed, a nice piece of cheese.

A furry snout sniffed at the edge of its hole, pondering her offer.  “Come, little one. I mean no harm.”

Success!  The old, gray mouse waddled from its hiding place in the shop wall. It only intended to snatch the morsel and retreat but the instant its whiskers brushed against her fingertips, Beli had it snared in a net finer than silk and firmer than iron.

– _Hello._ –

The old mouse took its time replying. Most creatures did. The sensation of having one’s mind joined to a foreign consciousness was an adjustment, to say the least.

 _–Friend?–_  Like images from a children’s book, its thoughts were simple and pure.

_–Yes. Friend.–_

As the mouse studied her, it decided it had better stuff its cheeks while it still had a chance.  – _Different,_ – it concluded.

– _Yes, my parents said as much.  To speak like this - to use a glamour - it is my gift.–_

_–Hmph. More food?–_

_–I’m sorry no. I’ve a request from the big folk. They need you and your family to move. It’s sudden, I know, but they said if I couldn’t convince you, they would bring the trapper with his poisons.–_

_–The bad taste bringer.–_ Beli could sense the mouse’s ripple of anger as though it was her own. – _We leave, then._ –

– _Safe travels! And thank you!_ – 

The mouse scurried off but Beli needed a moment to compose herself while their connection severed.  “It’s done,” she announced to her patron. “By tomorrow, your shop ‘visitors’ will have departed.”

“Only took you all damn day,” the butcher snapped. “I thought you beast tamers could control vermin at will!”

“A common misconception. The Sanctuary trains us to converse with our fellow creatures. You see, the goddess Riza –”

“Spare me the sermon.  Take your pay and go.”

“At once! It’s just –” Beli breathed deeply.  “Well, I wondered if you might sign my royal petition! It’s why I’ve travelled to the capital! You see, there are these tribes of cat-folk in the Eastern lands. Slavers have been kidnapping their kittens to sell as servants or pets! The queen must be made aware of these horrors and – well, if I could add family crests from respectable merchants such as yourself, I –”

The man raised his palm to silence her. He nodded understandingly. “Follow me, if you will.”

“Oh, a thousand thanks, sir! Wait, why are we going out the back door–?”

A hard shove sent Beli sprawling in the back alley filth. Her cloak and staff followed swiftly but her money remained with its merchant.

* * *

Beli sighed into her tankard of water and Enek sighed a canine sigh at her side. “I don’t understand. At the Sanctuary of Riza, my sisters and I were taught to aid others. Is everyone in the capital so … self-concerned?”

Her host drank deeply from her goblet, offering the tavern patrons a generous glimpse of her bared cleavage. Madame Misty was bold and brazen in ways Beli could only dream. “Beli, when I found you all those weeks past – alone, in the mud and with your purse strings cut, what did I tell you?”

“Kindness is not the currency of our capital. But -”

“These little rat-catcher jobs you’ve taken to pay your board. How many have short-changed you?”

“Three in the last week. But -”

“And your court audience? Has a date been set?”

“No, but I’m told my time will come soon! I realize the queen has many petitioners. There’s much business in the capital that requires her attention.”

“Aye. There’s jewels to inspect, fine wines to sample. Our queen busies herself night and day with important _congress_.” Madame Misty circled the table, draping her palms atop Beli’s shoulder with motherly warmth.  Then, nimble as a bird, her hands flew ‘round to grope the priestess’ chest!

“M-Madame Misty!”

“Hush, love! Oh, if only you had a manhood to rival these fine bosoms!  You’d have no trouble securing a _private_ audience with her Majesty!”

Beli wiggled free. “Spare me your false flattery.” Her body was detestably round and heavy. Nothing to catch the eye of a discerning man … or woman.

Madame Misty laughed.  “A jest, my chuck. Here - one of my chef’s cakes. Compliments of the house.”

Beli’s eyes widened and her mouth watered at the frosted pastry placed before her. _I shouldn’t, I know …_ and yet these baked goods of the capital called to her with such dulcet tones.  _Just a bite…_

A cold snout prodded Beli side, breaking her love song. Enek - the stray dog that had been the priestess’ constant companion during her visit to the capital. Even without linking their minds, the dog’s thoughts were an open book.

– _Share?_ –

Beli’s fingers tightened. “Enek, it’s my favorite!”

Enek perched his snout on her lap. 

– _Shaare?_ –

“Enek, these cost a day’s wage and –”

– _Shaaaare?_ –

 _Oh confound those precious, pleading eyes!_   Beli tore the cake in two and served him the larger half. Enek gobbled it immediately, licking her fingers for all traces of crumbs.

– _Nummy-yummy,_ – he announced, and it broke Beli’s heart to know that hers was the only kindness Enek had known in many moons.

Then a commotion spilled in from the street, a panting messenger:

“Princess Audrey! The Princess has been kidnapped! Queen Brooke calls for adventurers!”

Enek took advantage of the upheaval to nip the last half of Beli’s cake. The priestess barely noticed. Her thoughts moved with hummingbird swiftness.  The princess, kidnapped? … The queen in need of heroes? _They’d be hand-picked by her majesty ... A royal audience … and then a reward!_

Beli remember the cat-folk and her mind settled like steel.  She sprinted for the tavern door, Enek at her heels.  In their haste, Madame Misty was almost knocked aside.

“And where are you flying to, little chuck?”

“To the palace,” Beli smiled over her shoulder.  “I have a princess to rescue!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three made room for four. Beli's absent from HuniePop 2 but she'll get plenty of love in this adventure!


	6. Part I. The Tale of Candy the Barbarian

_The Golden Barrel_ , despite its name, was hardly a refined place.  Situated in the woods on the edges of the Kingdom of Glenberry, the inn / tavern played host to some of the kingdom’s most notorious mercenaries and outlaws.  Humans, dwarves, orcs, goblins, no one was turned away if they had the coin.

It was a day like any other - bar maids were handing drinks to rowdy customers who leered at both them and the drinks.  A goblin, an orc, and a kobold were all playing poker at a nearby table.  A dwarf was playing a song for all the patrons on piano.  Then…

_STOMP_

The bar suddenly began shaking.

_STOMP_

A patron looked down at their drink, and saw the ripples.

_STOMP_

The door swung open as a new patron entered the bar.  She was a goliath - a fabled race of giants who hailed from a mysterious land, far from Glenberry and much more primal.  She was dressed in a fur bikini, furry boots, and wore the pelt of a lion she had killed with her bare hands as a cloak.  She was physically enormous - nine-foot tall, a body rippling with muscles, and breasts bigger than your head.  Strangely, her hair was a bubble-gum pink - possibly from being soaked with the blood of her enemies.  She grinned madly as she excitedly skipped over to the bar like a little girl, shaking the whole establishment with each step.  The nine-foot barbarian smiled at the poor, terrified bartender.

“Hiya!  I’m Candy!  And I like to SMASH THINGS!!!”  she said as she held up her massive club and used it to smash a chunk of the bar.  “…One daiquiri please!”

The bartender was not about to argue with this mountain of a woman.  She spilled a bag of crocodile teeth on the bar - her idea of currency, apparently, and took the drink to take a delicate sip.

As the barbarian enjoyed her drink, a nervous young man wearing the red velvet of the upper-class entered the establishment.  “Er…is there a….Candy, here?”

_STOMP_

_STOMP_

_STOMP_

_STOMP_

_STOMP_

“I’m a Candy!” the goliath said as she stomped over from the bar to the young nobleman.  He gulped nervously.

“I…I represent the illustrious Queen Brooke of the Kingdom of Glenberry …” he explained.  “Her Majesty has need of your…services.”

“Ya mean smashin’ stuff?” Candy asked.

“Well…yes,” the messenger said.

“AWESOME!” the goliath cheered.  “What needs smashing?!”

“Well…” the messenger said.  “It’s not so much a what…more a ‘who’…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that makes five! The party members have received their summons but how will their queenly quest-giver react to this 'colourful' lot of scoundrels and misfits? 
> 
> Stay tuned, dear readers! Queen Brooke is about to take the stage.


	7. Part II. An Audience with the Queen

“The _nerve_ of that girl!”

Queen Brooke Belrose stamped down the castle corridors, a tempest of royal rage. 

“I give that royal bitch of niece free reign to smoke, drink and whore herself to her heart’s content and she repays me by _getting kidnapped?_ ”

_Ugh!_ Did that ungrateful niece not appreciate the _stress_ this was putting on her body?  She hadn’t chugged a single draught of youth potion since the news had hit!  She could feel the gray creeping into her hair, the crow’s feet dragging along her eyes; to say nothing of her tits!  The twins were dangling and swinging around like barn doors on a loose hinge!  At this rate it wouldn’t be long before she started looking _middle-aged!_  

“Bradley!  How’d those Eastern bastards get in?”

Scuttling at the queen’s side, the lord high treasurer flipped through his armful of parchments for reports.  With a frame as wiry as a starved cat, skin clammy as a fish and sporting eyeglasses thick enough to be mistaken for small telescopes, Sir Bradley Bronson was clearly one of the few servants the queen kept around for his brains.

“Most likely dark magic, your Majesty.  The castle is equipped with anti-sorcery barriers but those haven’t been re-applied for months. We had to cut back on the castle mages to budget the construction of that abattoir next to your unicorn stables.”

_Huh,_ Brook mused as she snorted a vial of powdered, magic-pony horn.  She’d been wondering why she hadn’t seen any of those robed, wand-waving twits lately.  “Well, send in the army!  Let’s bulldoze those foreign rats and get back my meal ticket!  I mean, my niece.”

“Your majesty, the garrison was cut in half so their salaries could pay for your weekly import of endangered baby phoenixes.”  Bradley shook his head.  “I still don’t understand how those birds keep disappearing…”

Brooke did her best to hide an ill-timed belch.

“Your Majesty, this might be a good time to review my budgeting suggestions…”

“Uh huh.  Bradley, how’s the eunuch life treating you?”

“But your Majesty I’m not a –” The treasurer stopped.  “Oh…”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Moving on, then!  I took the liberty of issuing a royal proclamation for independent contractors.”

Brooke grit her teeth.  “Mother of dragons… I’m reduced to hiring _adventurers._ ” 

Just thinking about all those scrappy do-gooders made her shudder in revulsion.  Too many memories of the Dark Days when she too had wandered the lands for coin.  Grueling nights where the Mysterious Masked Madame entertained the sweaty, unwashed masses at the Inna de Poona brothels, or that time professor “Melinda Brooke” took up substitute teaching at the Academy of Magic, supervising all those horny pricks testing out their _‘winguardium leviosa’_ charms on her skirts!

“They’re going to want rewards too!”

“Most likely,” Bradley nodded.  They’d arrived at the throne room.

_Might as well get this over with,_ Brooke sighed.  She slicked her frazzled hair into place, shoved her boobs into a semblance of perkiness and flopped back in her plush throne, helping herself to a well-deserved cigar for stress relief.

_No tinder,_ she realized, scanning the room for something to strike her match against.  “Oh Braaad-ley?”

“Yes, your Majest-EEE!”  The treasurer clutched his singed nose and tripped face-first before the throne. 

“Thank you, Bradley~.”  _So sweet of him to offer me a foot-rest too._ “My bunions are _killing_ me.”

“Yes… your Majesty…”

“All right, let’s get these auditions over with.  Send in the clowns!”

The audience doors creaked opened and Brooke winced. 

_Mother of dragons, I’m gonna smell like poor people for a week…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for our adventurers to strut their stuff for the Queen! Can they prove to Brooke that they’ve got the mad skillz to rescue her kidnapped niece? Stay tuned, huniefans!


	8. Part II. Enter the Fencer, Tiffany

Queen Belrose had barely finished getting comfortable when the throne room doors flew open, and in stepped the lithe form of one of her niece’s guards. The blonde hair and blue eyes were a dead ringer as to who it was. Sighing, she put on her best smile. “Lady Maye.” _‘This’ll be rich… Did she run all the way here?’_

Tiffany reached the bottom of the throne steps, and with a deep breath to cease her panting, she bent the knee, bowing her head. “Your grace…”

The minds of the two ladies were resonating on vastly different wavelengths. Brooke knew very well that Tiffany was bought the moment the flyers went out, and she was gonna enjoy every second of tormenting her niece’s lapdog. “What makes you think you have what it takes to bring back my niece?” she asked tentatively, fingers caressing her chin.

Tiffany looked up, almost baffled. “My Queen, I’m her sworn protector.”

Queen Brooke shrugged. “I guess. You did beat that one guard in a duel.”

“He was lord-commander of the Kingsguard…”

The queen waved the notion off. “Right, right. And you want to rescue my niece.”

“It’s my duty to-”

“Your duty.” Brooke cut off, in a mocking tone. “It was _your_ duty to look after my niece, protect her with your sword _and_ your life. But the _one_ time she needed you, you were _nowhere to be found_. Why is that?” the queen mused, tilting her head.

Tiffany’s eyes grew wide. “I was bid to return to my chambers! I had no idea!”

“And you let my niece get kidnapped! I should throw you in a black cell for treason!”

Lady Maye felt her stomach turn into a pit. Her mouth fumbled for words, but it was all for naught when the sound of chucking turned full on laughter caught her ears. Queen Belrose broke out into guffaws that echoed around the throne room. Her convulsions were so uncontrollable, she repeatedly kicked the boy she was using as a leg rest. Some of the guards even joined in on the joke.

Tiffany, realizing she had been played like a fiddle, began to simmer. But she knew better than to have an outburst. Standing up, the golden girl was as straight as an arrow. “I want a lordship as a reward.”

“Is that so?”

“My duties as sworn protector to the princess ends at dusk and begins at dawn. But it’s the Kingsguard’s duty at all hours to protect the royalty. So they must not be very good at their job.” That shut the guards right up. “Let me do my duty and rescue my princess. As a reward, I would like lands and a title, so I can expand Audrey’s personal guard and we can do the job right.”

The throne room was filled with another round of sharp laughter from the queen. “Done. But you’d best move quickly, Lady Maye. You won’t be the only knight in shining armor out to rescue a princess.”

With a wave of her hand, Tiffany was dismissed.

Lady Maye turned tail and started out of the throne room. But right before she reached the door, she faced her queen one final time. “Your grace,” she concluded with a short bow before she pulled the door open, and she was gone.

The queen hummed. “Hmm, and we’re off to the races. NEXT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lady Maye's dedication has won her a spot in the rescue party, but how will the others fair?


	9. Part II. Candy Enters the Court

The castle suddenly started to shake.  The knights withdrew their swords and formed a semi-circle around the queen.  “We’re under attack!” one of the knights shouted.

“Hold on…” Queen Belrose said.  “That doesn’t sound like a battering ram.  Sounds more like…footsteps?”

_STOMP_

_STOMP_

_STOMP_

_STOMP_

_STOMP_

The doors to the throne room burst open, a mountain of a woman stomping through.  Nearly nine-feet tall and rippling with muscle, she wore little but a fur bikini, a lion pelt cloak, and carried a large club across her shoulders.  “Hi I’m Candy!” the barbarian said as she waved at the queen in greetings.  “I’m here to rescue the princess!”

“A goliath…” Queen Belrose said as she observed the titanic young woman.  “You’re certainly far from home.”

“I am a wandering warrior!” Candy went on.  “I scour the world in search of conquest and glory!”

“And that is why you come to Glenberry?” the queen asked.  “You hope that rescuing my niece will grant you the glory you seek?”

The barbarian shrugged.  “Might as well.  I’m already here.”

“…I see.” the queen replied.  “Tell me, goliath, what are your talents?”

“NONE ARE STRONGER THAN I!” Candy shouted as she held her club triumphantly over her head.  “WATCH!”

She then marched over to one of the knights, who held up his shield to protect himself.  However, Candy grabbed the shield, ripped it off the knight’s arm, then broke it in half with her bare hands as though the shield were made of mere wood.

“…Impressive.” Brooke evenly said.  “But strength alone cannot defeat Ronin Aiko.”

“Well obviously,” Candy said with a roll of her eyes.  “Which is why I’m gonna use a LOT of strength!”

“…That’s…that’s not what I…”  Brooke trailed off as the goliath gave her a blank stare.  She sighed.  “Never mind.  Suppose you are successful in your rescue.  What would you ask of the kingdom of Glenberry?”

“Food!” Candy answered.

“…Food?” Brooke asked.

“Yup!  Food!” Candy said with a nod.  “Like…a LOT of food.  I’m REALLY hungry.”

“…Very well, then,” Brooke said.  “Return my niece to me safely, and you shall be granted a feast for the ages!”

“Awesome!”  With that, she all but skipped out of the throne room, shaking floor with each skip.

Brooke sighed wearily.  “Adventurers…” she muttered as she took a moment to massage her temple.  “Alright, Bradley.  Send in the next one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Candy's got the queen's stamp of approval but how will contestant number three fare?


	10. Part II. Beli's Best in Show

The queen’s summon was answered not by the confident stride of a man or woman, but by a thundering stampede of tiny legs and yipping voices.  The one guard foolish enough to glance into the hallway was immediately bowled over by a half dozen high-strung Chihuahuas, each bug-eyed, short-haired monstrosity yapping as though the world were coming to an end.  The royal litter bounded for the safety of their master’s skirts.

“Mimsie?  Cersei?  Audrey 2?  What’s the matter, my Shnookums?”

“Roo, roo!” barked the source of their distress as a lean, pointy-eared sheepdog galloped into the throne room.  Merely a common mutt, judging by its ungroomed coat but its rich, black fur accented by a white muzzle and underside looked positively dignified next to Brooke’s quivering pure-breds.  The happily-panting dog took one look at its wayward herd of rat-puppies and bounded towards its playmates.

The Chihuahua’s scattered. Queen Brooke was not so agile.

“GAAH!”

It was a sight that would leave the guards sniggering for days to come: her Majesty plowed off her throne and trampled by a smelly mongrel who thought nothing of licking at her face and sniffing at the royal bosoms.

“Enek!  No, bad dog! I’m sorry!  He saw the puppies and just wanted to play.”

The voice belonged to a young woman garbed in a humble peasant’s cloak and gripping a wooden staff.  The visitor took one look at the chaos: high-strung Chihuahuas racing around the throne room, armored guards clumsily chasing after the litter - and started chasing after them in turn.

Brooke was coherent enough to see what happened next: every time the hooded girl got close enough to seize one of her precious puppies, the dog immediately halted in its tracks.  Patricia froze and sat at attention, Georgina ceased her incessant barking, while Audrey 2 …   

Audrey 2 became as quiet, dignified and un-Audrey-like as possible.

Quick as a rabbit, the cloaked girl would jog off to calm the next royal pup and each tamed rat-dog would trot after her in lock-step formation until she was leading a train of six quiet and obedient puppies towards the throne.  They flanked her, three at each side and sat at perfect attention.

Even Brooke’s best trainers couldn’t manage the simple task of getting her babies to ‘sit’.  _How in the seven hells did she -?_

But then the girl lowered her hood and opened her cloak.  She was a south-Eastern child, judging by her brown skin and short, ebony hair but her priestess robes - rich scarlet edged with threads of gold - made Brooke stand at attention.

“You!  You’re one of those beast tamers, aren’t you?”

The girl gave a little squeak and immediately bowed her head to the floor.  Each of Brooke’s Shnookums bowed with her.

“Your Majesty!  Beli Lapran of the Sanctuary of Riza.  I- I’m here to help rescue -”

“Oh shut up.  You can command animals?  Yes or no, girl.”

“Y-your Majesty, controlling another’s will is a forbidden technique.  You see, I speak with nature’s creatures and –”

“So you could speak with Ronin Aiko’s dragons – tell them to torch that Eastern bitch down to ash?  Or send an army of wolves to rip open the throats of her soldiers?”

The girl looked pale enough to faint.

“I – I mean, I could ask if they wouldn’t mind…”

Brooke paced about with a madwoman’s grin, envisioning at all the horrible deaths this little terror could inflict on her enemy.  _Something off about her, though…_

“Beast tamer - name your price!”

“Price? Oh, I don’t want gold, your Majesty.  Just your help!  You see, there are these tribes of cat-folk in the Southern lands and they’re ever so precious! But they’re being hunted by slave traders and sold into hard labour! So, I wondered, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble …”

Then it clicked.

“Oh by Jada’s throne, you’re a _hippie.”_

“Y-your Majesty?” 

Brooke cut her off with a royal wave.

“Ugh, never mind.  Just … take your damn mongrel and wait outside.  I’m sure I’ll find a use for you … somewhere.”

“Umm… a-as you wish, your Majesty.” 

The girl called for her dog and fled like a mouse.  As soon as the doors slammed on the beast tamer’s cloak, all six of Brooke’s royal dogs reverted into a whirlwind of yappy energy.

Brooke rubbed her weary head and groaned.

“NEXT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No way that Best Girl was going to be denied a spot on the party roster. The next on the list had better be supremely talented, though!


	11. Part II. Enter Mike of House Winters

The township of Greenville had long since grown boring for a travelling musician. It had neither the scale nor the splendour to capture the hearts of the masses. No. The small Kingdom of Glenberry was where all of the action happened. Far from the Eastern Nation of Eaglewood's reach - but close enough to the excitement of the taverns and drinking pits.

For a young man like Mike (a washed up noble lad of the now ruined House Winters) it was a place where he could have a fresh start.

"So, my good lady... I hear Princess Audrey has been taken. Worry not, your highness. I'll be sure to bring her back to you."

The Queen bothered for nary a second to rise from her throne. Nay, she had already began sipping on a cup of fine wine. She took many a hearty mouthful before so much as acknowledging the handsome blond bard's pledge.

"Oh," Queen Brooke spoke with a raised brow - snapping her fingers for another drink. "And what, pray tell, can a washed up young lad from a destitute house have to offer me, eh?"

What did Mike have to offer? He gave a suave smirk and popped the top button of his elegant white-brown overcoat.

"Simple, your majesty. The men of House Winters are renowned fist fighters trained from a young age. I assure ye... I'm more than capable of bringing her ladyship back to Glenberry safely, Eastern Ronin or no."

Queen Brooke doubled over in a haughty laughter.

"Funny, kid. Funny. Last I heard the men of House Winters were nothing more than jumped-up bards and flouncy singers."

The Queen's doubts mattered not an ounce.  _Trust me, lass. I'm the guy for the job._

"What can I say, milady? I buck trends where the rest of my kinsman failed. Give me one shot... and I won't let you down."

Brooke's eyes lit up with a hint of intrigue. She gave a careful smile.

"You're confident, kid. I'll give you that much. I tell you what. You'll have your chance... but what do you want in return?"

Mike played along, giving his most hurt expression. Looked like the Queen was onto him.

"Milady... I've no idea what you mean."

A sultry chuckle from Glenberry's ruler. The way she stared (knowingly) into the bard's eyes almost made him wither.

"You can cut the foolishness. Everybody wants something. Either that... or they need something. Question is, what do I have to give you in return for your services?"

Now they were talking business.

"Princess Audrey. Her hand in marriage. What can I say? My mother, Lady Angela would turn in her grave at the sight of our house today. I say an errand for royalty is befitting of such a reward, no?"

The audience chamber descended into icy silence. Queen Brooke grit her teeth... and gave a hearty chuckle.

"That's a tall request... but something tells me you're not joking. Okay... you'll get what you asked for, provided you return my niece to me before anyone else. Now... I'd leave my throne room before that ego gets the better of you."

 _Looks like I've hit the jackpot._ Mike rose to his feet and gave a graceful bow befitting that of a highborn.

"As you wish, your majesty."

"Alright then," Brooke clapped her hands. "Next idiot- I mean, adventurer."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mike's got the queen eating out of his hand and he only had to pop -one- button, folks! How will Kyu fare, though?


	12. Part II. A Kyutie in the Castle

“Alright, who’s next?” Queen Brooke sighed, leaning back in her throne. She’d seen almost everything today, from a pink haired goliath to a south eastern beast tamer. Nothing could phase her now.

“Hey girl, what’s poppin’?”

Apparently she was wrong. Brooke shrieked and had to hold herself back from bolting out the door. A real, honest to god _faerie_ was sitting right in front of her, in a chair that seemed to come out of nowhere.

“Aw shit, I knew I should’ve went with a disguise,” the faerie mumbled, shifting slightly in the chair. “Anyways, the name’s Kyu. I heard you were looking for adventurers to go save your niece. I’ve got nothing better to do, so I figured I’d give it a shot.”

Once she got over her initial shock, Brooke leaned back, trying to regain her composure. “Very well then. What do you bring to the table?”

“I can do this,” Kyu said, snapping her fingers and appearing on the other end of the room, before returning to her original position. “Though I can’t go very far and can’t take more than one person with me without draining a ton of energy. So no, I can’t just poof to the Eastern Empire, grab your niece and come back. I’m pretty sure that would kill me.” She chuckled lightly. “Oh yeah, I can do this too.”

And then she was gone. No weird puff of smoke, nothing. Just straight up gone.

“...Hello?”

“Still here.” She appeared again like nothing. It would be a bit of an understatement to say that Brooke was a little shaken.

“Yeah...okay. You’re on. Name your price.”

Kyu’s playful grin gained a devilish edge. “Y’see, we faeries have much longer lifespans than the average human, so we get around. We hear things here and there, and one of them really peaked my interest. Something about a certain ‘Mysterious Masked Madame’...”

Brooke blinked incredulously. “...Sex. You want sex as a reward.”

“Yeah,” Kyu shrugged.

Brooke rubbed the bridge of her nose exasperatedly. “Fine. Sure. Whatever.”

Kyu fist pumped triumphantly before disappearing into a small puff of smoke.

“...Bradley, bring me some wine. I need a drink.  NEXT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five for five! Seems Queen Brooke's gonna have some hefty rewards to fork over, though...


	13. Part III. The Race is On!

Queen Belrose’s bark was met with only empty silence.  Bradley coughed quietly.

“Your Majesty … those are all the candidates we received.”

“Finally!  Thank the gods that’s over!”

Queen Brooke made herself comfortable - ripping off her crown, tossing the oversized paperweight on her throne-side table and yanking the emergency release strap on her corset.  Like a deflating balloon, her body slumped into the soothing embrace of gravity.

“Aahh…. By Tidus, I need a drink!”  Food too – something rich and fatty to wash away the unbearable grime of common folk.  A well-placed ring of a bell set her chefs and waiters scurrying to prepare her favorite exotic dishes.

Bradley, of course, could only scurry about business.  “Quite the promising party, your Majesty.”

“Parasites, every last one of them,” Brooke retorted.  “Did you hear those spoiled children and their list of demands?  Lordship?  Freeing slaves? _A royal marriage??_ I’m not even going to think about what that damn fairy asked for!  And just granting that goliath a feast would bankrupt this kingdom!  Do they think I’m made of money?”

Bradley’s reply was interrupted by the arrival of servants carrying a sight for the ages – a dragon egg.  Nearly three feet tall and encased in naturally-forming gold, the cradle of the rare Northern Ridgeback made every onlooker pause in reverence.  Even Queen Brooke’s lips parted in awe as her hands carefully caressed the warm surface.

SMACK, went the royal spoon, bashing in the shell.  GRAMPH, MRAMPH went the royal food-hole as Brooke shoveled fistfuls of hard-boiled goodness into her queenly belly.

Bradley did his best not to think of how many gold coins each mouthful represented.

“Yes, the kingdom of Glenberry has fallen on … hard times, your Majesty.”

“Gotta be a way I can get these ingrates to work for free,” Brooke grumbled between mouthfuls.  “I just need one good idea.  One good … one … THAT’S IT!”

 

* * *

Despite the turmoil of Princess Audrey’s kidnapping, the mood was bright and optimistic as the five adventurers assembled once more before the queen.  Greetings were exchanged among the party-members-to-be – polite nods, bubbly waves and salacious winks as befitted each.  Even the queen seemed newly energized as she stood and tapped the royal scepter for attention.

“Brave adventurers, we thank you once again for assembling to rescue our beloved Princess Audrey!  We look forward to rewarding the daring one of you who safely returns our dearest niece.”

The bright mood dimmed a moment as the party registered the queen’s slip.

Brooke grinned like a jackal in a boneyard.

“Oh you heard me right.  One.  Unos.  Singular.  I’m not waiting for you people to sort yourselves out, learn to use the power of teamwork and become the best of friends.  I want _results._   The first one of you to return with Princess Audrey will be rewarded with his or her heart’s desire.  The rest of you…”

The queen tried to think of an appropriately grand idiom but settled on a humble shrug.

“Meh.”

Silence reigned among the party members.  Each glanced among their fellow adventurers – some with open shock, some with knowing smirks, others with outright panic.  There was not a friendly glance to be spared.  They were no longer comrades in arms, but competitors in a contest of royal proportions.

Trained dogs couldn’t gallop out of the throne room faster.  Brooke cackled as she waved her kerchief.

“Bye-bye, boys!  Have fun storming the castle~!”

Bradley shifted nervously. “Think it’ll work?”

Beneath her smiles, the queen could only scoff.

“It’ll take a miracle…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, plot twist! It's every hunie for themselves if they want the queen to grant their heart's desire. Looks like it’s time for our band of misfits to hit the road! 


	14. Part III. Candy Hitches a Ride!

Candy wasted no time.  She ran down the hallway, the servants wisely diving out of her way as she did so, and made for the stables.  When she arrived, she ran past all the horses that were much too small and weak to carry someone of her stature, instead looking for _her_ mount.  “Cotton!  Where are you, boy?”

There was a loud snort, followed by a literal mountain of flesh and hair shifting near the back.  Candy smiled.  “There you are!” she said as she skipped over to her beloved steed.

Cotton was a woolly rhino, a beast native to Candy’s homeland, Geimhrigh.  It was a land far to the north of Glenberry, and significantly harsher, especially in the winter.  Woolly rhinos however, with their thick fur and thick fat, were perfectly-suited to survive such conditions.  They also made ideal mounts for the goliaths who called Geimhrigh home, as few other beasts had the size or strength to bear a goliath rider without complaint.

Candy gripped cotton’s thick fur and climbed into the crude saddle of the beast and snapped the reigns.  The massive rhino grunted as it trotted out of the royal stables and into the busy streets of Glenberry.  Candy knew just where to go to beat the other, tinier heroes to the Far East.  But she’d have to hurry if she wanted to get there in time!  She snapped the reigns again.  “Ya, Cotton!  YA!”  And that’s when the rhino went from a trot, to a gallop.

Of course, what a goliath would call a ‘gallop’, a human would call a ‘rampage.’

As Cotton charged down the way, threatening to trample anyone too slow or stupid to get out of his way, smashing some hapless vendor’s cabbage stand to pieces, Candy wore a mad grin.  A race!  This was a race!  This was no longer a simple quest - this was a CONTEST of STRENGTH and…MORE STRENGTH!!!  Candy will CRUSH her competitors and seize the glory of taking the ronin’s head for herself!

Finally, the rhino would slow to a trot as Candy pulled on the reigns.  She had arrived at her destination - the docks.  But Candy sought no ship bound to the ocean - to TRULY beat her rivals to Aiko’s kingdom, she would need to FLY.

And she knew just the person for the job!

She arrived at a small shack by the docks, dismounted and marched over.  “Uh, ma’am, you can’t-” Candy silenced the guard’s protests by picking him up and casually tossing him into the water.  She then kicked the door down, the wooden barrier popping off of its hinges and falling to the ground.

“Lola!  I need your help!”

Lola Rembrite, owner of the Rembrite Trading Corporation and captain of the _Cloudbreaker,_ was sitting at her desk, looking up at Candy, not even phased by how she broke the door down.  “Hello, Candace.  Still having trouble with the concept of door knobs, I see.” Lola replied.

“A door what?” Candy asked.

“Never mind…” Lola sighed.  “What do you need?”

Candy smiled.  During her travels, the goliath had run many errands for the merchant.  From guarding caravans to smashing bandits, Candy had done much for Lola and asking for nothing in return save for a bed for the night and a hot meal in the morning.  However, that was about to change - it was time to call in a favor.

“I need a ride to the east!” Candy said.

“…The…east?” Lola asked.

“Yeah!  The east!” Candy said.

“…There’s a LOT of things that are east of Glenberry, Candace.” Lola said.  “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

Candy paused as she racked her brain.  “Uh…okay…uh…east like…where…the one lady lives…” Come on, what was her name again?  “She’s...kidnapped…”  Who was she rescuing again?

“You seek to fly to Ukiyo, the domain of Ronin Aiko who allegedly kidnapped Princess Audrey?” Lola asked.

“Yes!” Candy replied as her memory was finally jogged.

“Okay then.” Lola said.  “Well, let’s see…Oh, you’re in luck!  I have an airship scheduled to fly east into Rolisica tomorrow!  You can hitch a ride and then make your way into Ukiyo from there.”

“Tomorrow?!” Candy demanded.  “I need a ride NOW!” she said as she stomped her foot in indignation, shaking the small office in the process.

“Look Candy - you’ve done a lot of good work, but I’m not going to shift around my schedule just because you’re in a hurry to go on a suicidal rescue mission.” Lola replied.

“Grrr….FINE!”  Candy said as she sat on the floor, cross-legged, crossing her arms and looking very unsatisfied.

“…What are you doing?” Lola asked.

“I’m waiting for tomorrow.” Candy grumped in reply.

Lola just sighed.


	15. Part III. Beli Goes for the Golddigger

When the rest of the adventurers made their mad dash from the castle grounds, Beli flew along with them but hers was the blind, senseless flight of a follower.  She wanted to catch up to the others, grab the hems of their cloaks - beg them to see reason and work together!

Instead, a loose cobblestone caught her toe and Beli fell flat in the mud once more.

“Rowr?”  Enek galloped to her side, instinctively licking at his master’s wounds.  A sad whine gurgled from Beli’s throat. 

“Oh Enek, what’ll I do?”

She’d rightly assumed that other adventurers would answer the queen’s call, and she’d been hoping to tag along, play a support role from the sidelines.  With her animal empathy she could recruit birds and beasts to scout ahead, blaze a trail while the actual trained warriors covered the ‘fighting’ and ‘bloodshed’ bits.  A mutual partnership to save the princess and claim their respective rewards.

But all alone?  What chance did a lowly priestess from the countryside stand against the armies of the East?  She’d been mugged and humiliated on her first day in the capital!

Enek’s cold nose nudged at her muddy cheek.  Beli sighed and sat up.  “I can’t do this, Enek.  How can I keep up with real warriors?”

Enek tilted his head in thought.  _–Walkies?–_

“No, Enek…”

But simply the suggestion of a grand promenade sent the sheepdog sprinting up and down the street with boundless excitement.

_–Walkies!  Walkies!  Walkies!–_

Enek’s good-nature was infectious.  Beli couldn’t help but giggle.

“You’re right, if I want to change anything for the cat-folk, I have to try!”  She was intimidating herself again – looking at things too largely, like Sister Sandra always warned.

“One trial at a time,” Beli reminded herself.

The first problem was actually travelling to Ukiyo.  She had to find transport.  Once she got there she could worry about fighting soldiers… and assassins … and dragons and -

“- and maybe the Ronin will be a reasonable woman!  Right, Enek? Maybe she’ll sit down with us and talk things over!  Right?”

Enek scratched at his ear and yawned.

“Right…”

* * *

First stop was the tavern, where she horrified Madame Misty with her resolution to journey to the East.  Still, the proprietress of the capital’s finest bar and brothel could sense her resolve and sent Beli parting with a motherly hug and a quickly-scrawled parchment. 

“An… acquaintance of mine.  She’ll get you started.”

Now, deep in one of the capital’s wealthier districts, Beli looked up at the grand stables, confirming that its sign matched Madame Misty’s directions.

 **Kane Horse Rentals**  
Under New Management  
See Marlena

The door opened under her knock.  Seeing no one behind the front counter, Beli let herself and Enek inside, wandering to the horse pens out back.  Twin rows of mighty steeds snorted and champed in their wooden enclosures.  Beli gasped at their primal beauty.

A sultry voice startled her from behind.  “Like whatcha see, _bella_?”

Beli spun around to find the proprietor – Miss Marlena, she presumed – staring her down with a cool, feline grin. 

The resemblance to Madame Misty was starling: a voluptuous blonde, bronze-skinned with impossible curves ballooning her skirts and corseted bosoms hoisted up to her collar.  _Like and unlike,_ Beli mused.  Marlena flaunted all of Misty’s womanly gifts - and more - and yet Beli was hard pressed to sense an ounce of motherly warmth from her.

 _Her aura’s all … cold._ Even Enek and the horses reacted – growling with caution or whinnying in terror.  This was not a woman to be trifled with.

Marlena quickly shut the storage door behind her.  Beli thought she heard a voice inside sneeze but Marlena’s sharp kick at the wood covered up any evidence.  The exotic beauty forced a smile.

“Rats,” she explained.

“Oh,” Beli nodded.  “Um… your horses, they’re magnificent creatures.”

“Only the best for me. I asked my papi to buy me a pony. He did me one better and got me my very own pony store.”

“Your father sounds like a generous man.”

Marlena’s smile withered.

“Yeah, my … father.  Let’s go with that.”

Beli had the strangest feeling that Miss Marlena’s regard for her had suddenly plunged.

“So, travelling priestess?  Cute.  You here for a ride on the wild side?  Need to feel the rush of a wild stallion between your legs?”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Beli mock-chuckled. “The males are just so … big.  I think I’d have difficulty climbing on and getting off.”

“Trust me, one ride on these boys and you’ll have no trouble getting off.”

Marlena licked her lips in some coded meaning. Beli ventured a nervous chuckle. 

“All the same, I think I’d be more comfortable riding a mare.”

“Ah, one of _those_ women.  Suit yourself. I cater to all sorts of freaks.”

“W-what?”

“Clients. Never mind.  Just pick a damn horse already.”  Marlena’s eyes kept darting back to the storage door.

Beli scanned the pens and her heart melted at the sight of a brilliant, white-coated female with a gentle look in her eye.  Petting her mane and reading her aura only confirmed the tender-hearted disposition.  “How about this one?”

“Her?  You want dumb ol’ Flopsy instead of Thunderbuck?  Well, okay.” 

Marlena named the price.  Beli blinked. 

“P-pardon?”

Marlena repeated the price.  Beli felt her stomach drop.

“Oh dear…” She hadn’t realized you could carry a sum with that many zeros in your coin purse. 

“No money?”  Marlena snorted. “Then what’re you wasting my time for, _chica_? Get out!”

Beli wilted and trudged for the door.  Enek followed as far as the front office, then his ears perked and he began sniffing wildly, nose to the ground and tracing a scent trail. 

“Enek?”  Why was he shuffling towards the storage closet? 

“Hey, get your _loco_ dog away from there!”

Too late. Enek pounced up, his weight on the crooked latch enough to knock the door inward.  The dog galloped through and Beli heard a distinctly male yelp.

“An intruder?”  She and Marlena raced after the dog.  Beli startled.

“Sir… Bradley?”

Queen Brooke’s pasty and spectacled servant was sprawled on the floor of the storage closet, screaming in a spectacularly feminine octave as Enek tussled with his pant leg.  The closet was unlike any storage cupboard Beli had seen – piled with sheets of parchments, bags of gold coin and a small writing table.  It looked almost like an accountant’s office.

What was the kingdom’s lord high treasurer doing in the broom closet of a horse stable?

Marlena cursed in her Southern tongue.  “ _Maldita perro!_   Damn dog!”  Beli ignored her and rushed to the young man’s aid.

“Sir Bradley, are you all right?”

“Out!  Out!” Marlena cursed.  “You saw nothing!”

Ignoring the shrill woman, Beli pried Enek’s teeth from the kingdom’s treasurer.  Sir Bradley immediately sobbed in defeat.

“It’s no use, Marlena.  We’ve been found out!”

“Ruined,” Marlena hissed.  “Ruined by a _maldita_ country girl and her little dog too!”

Sir Bradley’s mind spun in conspiracy.  “She must have known all along.  I told you, she’s a beast tamer!  Every rodent and insect is her spy!  We might as well be honest.”

Beli’s mind was spinning just trying to keep up with the coded conversation, but she could sense both their auras – Marlena’s burned with hellfire while Sir Bradley was a raincloud trembling with terror.  Sensing a weighted confession, Beli knelt before the sobbing man to hear him out.  She put on her most sympathetic smile.  Sir Bronson seemed to be burdened by a horrible, secret crime but she was determined to listen honestly and non-judgmentally to what he had to confess.

“Good sir … whatever burdens you, I’ll listen.”

Bradley took a deep breath and pointed to Marlena.

“I’m doing her.”

“EWW!”

“Her taxes,” Bradley clarified.

“Oh.”  Beli sighed in relief.

“In exchange for sexual favors.”

“EWW!”

Then Bradley was clasping her hands, a penitent man.  “You can’t let anyone know of our liaison!  If the Queen found out that I was moonlighting for a noblewoman’s business, she’d hang me by my toes.”

Marlena snorted.  “Her royal bitchiness gets a little possessive about her servants.”

“Please, beast tamer!  We’ll give you anything!  Anything to buy your silence.”

Flabbergasted, Beli looked around for guidance.  Her eyes settled on Enek.  The sheepdog panted happily.

_–Waaaalkies?–_

* * *

Half an hour later, Flopsy’s saddlebags were loaded with enough supplies to last the mare and her rider two weeks – more than ample time to travel to Ukiyo and back.

Bradley did all the loading, of course.  While the scrawny treasurer panted and grunted under the burdensome loads, Marlena simply crossed her arms, fuming and furious that her mare and her wares were being given away as ‘hush’ money.

“You must love her dearly,” Beli ventured, “to risk the queen’s wrath in order to aid her business.”

Bradley’s face withered.

“Yeah… I’m in love. Let’s go with that.”

Marlena gave a siren call.  “Braddy-Daddy~?  Mami needs that big, strong brain of yours to go over her figures one more time~.”

“Yes, Marlena…”  Bradley sighed like a man on death’s door.

“You should be careful out there,” he offered.  “Ronin Aiko likely had spies installed in the capital who aided in the princess’ kidnapping.  They probably know about our call for adventurers – even your name and face too.  On the road, anyone could be an enemy.”

* * *

Spies. Saboteurs. Enemies on the road.  Beli swallowed a nervous lump as she galloped her way out of the capital gates.  “Just a foolish theory, right Enek?”  The sheepdog trotting at Flopsy’s side was inclined to bark in agreement.

Then the black stallion stampeded across their path. 

Flopsy whinnied and dug to a halt.  Beli barely kept in her saddle. 

The stallion was a massive, red-eyed thoroughbred and the rider looked tall enough to meet even Beli’s unusual height. A wraith wrapped in a brown leather cloak and buried in a deep and shadowy cowl.  Beli couldn’t make out the spectre’s face – only the blast of cold steam hissing from the rider’s mouth. Two curved tips like ivory tusks peered from the edges of the hood. Beli gasped.

_Are those … horns?_

The rider looked at Beli.  Beli looked at the rider.  The cloaked demon inspected a crumpled paper in its hand and looked to her again.

The air grew cold and still.

It was Enek that broke the standoff, barking and lunging at the stallion’s legs.  The black horse reared onto its hind legs; the rider cursed and tumbled to the dirt.  Flopsy tore down the road in a panic.  Beli could just barely hold on to her reins.

In the confusion, the rider’s parchment had taken to the wind and rudely flapped into Beli’s face.  When she tore it off, her mirror image looked upon her.

An ink drawing.  Of her face.

The dark rider had been _looking for her._

“Enek, good boy!  Follow quickly!”  Heart thumping like a war drum, Beli whipped Flopsy onward.  The green meadows of Glenberry weren’t safe anymore.  Her choice was made.

Her journey to the dread lands of Ukiyo had begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beli makes it out of the city, but who is this dark rider in hot pursuit? Will the other Hunies fare any better in their travels? Stay tuned to find out, dear readers!


	16. Part III. Tiffany - Raise Your Banner!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ser Tiffany Maye sets out on her adventure with some help.

“Couldn’t you have picked anyone _but_ me?” Maester AnnMarie complained as she carried her armfuls of books across the grand library with a determined Lady Maye hot on her heels.

 Stamping her boot, the dame let out an exasperated sigh. “You’re her friend, right? She’s been kidnapped! Don’t you wanna save her?!”

 Dropping the tower of tomes on a nearby table, Nicole regarded the woman with a declarative finger. “A couple things, Tiffany. One, Audrey is _not_ my friend. I’d call her my tormentor. Two, what am I supposed to do? I’m not an adventurer. Three, don’t you have like a personal guard or something? Isn’t it your job to protect her?” 

Despite the nerve that the young mage’s rebuke had struck within the young knight, the latter held back her retort. “But I don’t have a maester!”

Nikki rolled her eyes with a sigh. “Look Tiffany, maybe there’s a part of me that does want to rescue Audrey, for any good that’s worth. But do you honestly think that anything’ll change if I do? What’s to say she won’t go back to using me as a punching bag? Granted, that’s not my reason, but there’s not much to look forward to either.”

For a moment, Tiffany fell silent. She saw the way Audrey would take Nikki out against her will to the marketplace or a feast with no room for debate, how she’d snap at the bluenette whenever she didn’t get her way; how the princess would keep her up all night, working on some obscene project of hers. All with little to no appreciation. She had half a mind to vigorously defend Audrey, state that the princess _does_ appreciate those who stay by her side, but it also occurred to Tiffany that _‘She’s your friend,’_ simply wouldn’t do for the maester.

“Nikki...” She reached a hand out, gathering her thoughts. “Wouldn’t it be nice to at least know that you did? Save her life, I mean.” Given Nikki’s silence, she continued. “You could… hold it over her for the rest of her life? She’ll have to live with the knowledge that without you, she wouldn’t be here making you do all these things.”

Tiffany’s sentiment was met with an eye roll. “All the things I already do for her, a simple ‘thank you’ would be nice.”

Switching her tactics, Tiffany tried again. “Okay. Audrey’s not your friend the same way you’re hers, but what about me? I’m asking you, friend to friend, please help me rescue _my_ friend?”

Nikki took a breath to say no, but she just couldn’t. Her eyes met Tiffany’s, full of hope and determination, and it just became harder to refuse. It wouldn’t be right to just leave Audrey to her fate, now would it? “I can’t do this without you, Nik…”

At those words, NIkki felt her chest swell with a familiar feeling. The kind that she’d only get during those times when she just so happened to be around after the queen told Audrey she couldn’t get something she wanted. Was it sympathy? Compassion? Pity? She’ll call it pity for now.

As if a threshold was met, the maester threw her head back and released a defeated groan. “Ugh, _fine_. But you owe me. Big.”

Tiffany lit up like fireworks in the sky. Clapping her hands together, she took her companion by the shoulders and led her off. “Oh, I knew you had it in you, Nik! If we save Audrey first, we can get the reward!”

“Wait… reward?”

* * *

Situated in the Iron Mountains along the eastern coast of the Stormlands, which itself was the furthest east of Glenberry’s neighbors, House Stone was seated seemingly as far as possible from its kingdom’s borders, the sheer size of the Stormlands taking up nearly a third of the realm. But the cliffs and ridges and mountains contained with them more ore than all other kingdoms combined, making House Stone one of the wealthiest houses. And the best protected. Each and every settlement in the Stormlands, large or small, had an expertly built castle overlooking it.

The duo booked passage east From Glenberry to Stonekeep by airship, which would save them weeks of travel just making it to the sea.

“So Nikki… you know House Stone personally, right? What’re they like?”

“Well I’m… kind of a friend of Lord Stone’s daughters…” Nikki nervously muttered as she focused on the mountains passing below them through the ventral window.

Tiffany rushed up, giving her friend an ecstatic pat on the back. “Nikki, I didn’t know you were into women!”

The bluenette turned back to her companion, raising her hands in denial. “I-It’s not like that! We just know each other, is all. And it’s one of the few times their uh, unlawful daughter is back in the kingdom from one of her many voyages.”  
  
TIffany tilted her head, curious. “Tala was the bastard child, right?” But seeing Nikki cringe at the term, the young knight gave an apologetic gesture.   
  
Nonetheless, the young maester nodded in reply. “Yeah. Since she’s uh… that, and since her mother hates her, she’s usually out exploring the rest of the world while her sister is learning to run the kingdom. I-I figured we could use help that actually knows their way around. And uh, she’s where I get most of my memorabilia from.”

“Good job, Nik! We didn’t even set out yet, and you’re already a huge help!”

 “Well… we’ve got her mother to get past…”

* * *

“There it is - the family seat of House Stone,” Nikki announced as they dipped back below the clouds. Overlooking the crescent-mouthed bay, Stonekeep stood as high as the mountains that surrounded it. It reached high above the coastal city it overlooked, like an attentive shepherd guarding its flock inside of an eye-spanning cove. Watchtowers and battlements at every corner, atop every hill and peak, and lining either side of the harbor.

Tiffany swallowed, watching the scenery draw closer and appear larger and larger. “I think I know now where the rest of the world gets their stone from…” It was common knowledge that the Stones were worthy of their namesake, but to see it firsthand, a fortified city overlooked by a towering castle whose peaks pierced the sky like the nearby mountain peaks, it took any doubt in Tiffany's mind and ground it to powder.

Stonekeep had a sizable flat area between it and the town that was dedicated to receiving airships, though not nearly as expansive as its harbor. Nikki and Tiffany instead landed at the private airpad that jutted out high atop the monstrous castle’s seaward wall.

* * *

Received by the sentries posted, neither girl wanted to so much as pass by Lady Stone in the halls as they looked for their help, but as luck would have it, the matriarch of House Stone was holding court, Lord Stone being unavailable.

Tall, beautiful, and imposing with her bronze skin and amber eyes, Lady Stone regarded her guests with a scowl. “This is unprecedented. Unacceptable.” With her gaze hardened and force in her voice, Lady Stone leaned in from atop Stonekeep’s steel throne, outraged at what was spoken. “You come to the home of House Belrose’s most trusted and loyal bannermen to ask for the help of the bastard? You insult us and House Belrose. I assumed an _actual_ fighter with _actual_ merit would be called to save our realm’s future.”

All heads turned towards the groaning grand doors of the throne room as the new face entered. “As skilled as sis is, she hasn’t been East.” Tala Stone stepped in in all her glory, oversized greatsword at her back, its battle-worn steel gleaming in the afternoon sun. Not even her red leather longcoat was able to hide her voluptuous curves or her stalwart seven-foot physique. They enhanced them, really. “And from what I hear, that’s where our princess was taken.”

Lady Stone regarded the interrupting woman with a speculative look. “Last I heard, you were out at sea, swept up in a storm.”

Tala’s heavy, echoing footsteps stopped next to the young maester and knight. “Then my ship must travel faster than your ravens.”

The elder Stone replied with a skin-deep smile. “No, it was simply the last one I read. Busy tending to the largest castle in the realm, after all.”

“Must be really boring without me here, then.” Tala murmured as she swung her long red locks back behind her shoulders. She then faced her charge. “You two ready?” The small bluenette and blonde nodded in unison. Turning to Lady Stone again, the bastard regarded the Lady paramount with a short bow. “Mother.”

“Yours is out there somewhere, Dear Tala.”

“But you are to my dear sister. Tell her I said hi.” With that, Tala turned tail and stalked out of the throne room with haste, the tip of her scabbard grating loudly and prominently against the impeccable masonry of the floor as she stretched from side to side, its screech filling the throne room, ducking heads and driving teeth together.

Nikki and Tiffany noticed Tala’s smirk, and as they followed, they didn’t dare look back to the fuming mother.

* * *

 

As they left the throne room, Tala regarded her guests with an apologetic look. “I’m sorry you had to see that. If you want to see the picture of hate, look no further than Lady Tavara Stone.” Away from her mother, Tala was free to vent her frustrations.

“Mothers and nobility should never really be in the same sentence, should it?” Tiffany sighed, rubbing her arm.

The redhead huffed. “You know it.”

Nikki rolled her eyes, half-admiring how the two were already bonding over something. But Tala must’ve picked up on this as she made her way next to Nikki when they neared the harbor. “You’re quiet, Nik. Don’t miss me?” She teased with a playful elbow, high enough for the smaller girl’s shoulder. “Way to make a woman feel special.”

Tiffany looked on in barely contained mirth when the bluenette stammered for words, stuttering as she declared how happy she truly was to see her again. And it brought a genuine smile to Tiffany, witnessing someone so quickly and effortlessly bring her friend out of her introverted shell. The ensuing back-and-forth banter, the long-winded chit-chat, the _nerd talk_ , Tiffany couldn’t ever recall a time Nikki was this open, even to her.

“I-I wanted to, b-but there was the whole thing with your mom. But really! I’m r-really happy I’m here.”

“I’m really happy you’re here too, Nik.”

* * *

“-and Audrey… she screamed in the guy's face for messing up her hair. I thought she was gonna have him executed."

"C'mon Nik, even I know the princess is bitchy, but she's not cruel."

"Jeez, you sound like Tiffany…"

"Hey!"

* * *

"-and the thing about these hippies talking about 'their love' changing the world, it must be _soooo_ nice not having to worry about how the world _really_ works."

"We don't have that here in the stormlands. Not much morality to go around when you're caught out there where the gods don't care how pure your intentions are." 

* * *

“So, how are you gonna get Audrey away from Candy the Giant, if she gets to her first? Threaten to eat her out?”

“Keep talkin’, and I’ll have to practice on you.”

* * *

“After you let me keep that enchanted necklace, I always wanted to see what else laid in the Witchwoods.”

“Lucky you, you got me to tell you all about it on our way there.”

Tiffany hung back, not even minding her being the silent third wheel in the conversation. It was fascinating enough watching this open, talkative specimen that took over Maester Nicole AnnMarie, and didn’t give her back since they met with Tala.

“There she blows, ladies. The Silver Blade.” Like everything else the Stones owned, Tala’s beloved ship also lived up to its namesake. Its black sails contrasted nicely with the steel that reinforced the wooden hull. The ship itself was long and narrow, its nose sleek, its beak sharp to cut through the water as it goes. And the single smokestack in the aft of the vessel let it be known it wasn’t at all behind on technology. But the most noticeable feature was that it was a fraction the size of the behemoth warships and trading cogs that lined the harbor. She was built for speed.

But Tiffany had her doubts. “A little… provocative, wouldn’t you say?” As soon as her eye caught _The Silver Blade's_ black flag and the skull pierced by its namesake - Tala’s own personal banner - said doubts began to set in.

“I can see why you’d say that.” Tala reasoned, walking past, beckoning them to board. “But that keeps most of the _actual_ pirates away. And the name comes from a more… personal reason. I might tell you about it someday.”

The deck of _The Silver Blade_ was swabbed, the crew was clean, the guns were loaded, and the steam engine hummed to life, rumbling the deck. Tala barked the orders, and the crew responded. The anchor was lifted, the sails were released, and as Nikki and Tiffany joined the redheaded captain at the wheel, they were all waiting for one more order.

Tala regarded her new friend with a smirk over her shoulder. “Wanna say it?”

With glee, Tiffany strode up next to the captain, feeling her chest swell as all eyes were on her. Her own bright and blue, she raised a finger forward, and took the seabreeze into her lungs.

“Full steam ahead!!!”


	17. Part III. Kyu Cuts Some Corners

 “Suuu-ckers!”

Kyu shook her pretty little head as the other adventurers scrambled out the castle gates like frenzied bees after a honey trail.  “Queen B’s got y’all wrapped around her crooked little finger.”

Kyu licked her lips, eager to find out what else those queenly fingers could do.  “Okay, time to rescue me a princess!”

The fairy thief knew the deal – everyone would be panicking to find transport: airships, barges, horses; those humies would pay through the nose for whatever first caught their eye.  “Like a bunch of chumps!” In contrast, the pink-haired nymph skipped her merry way from the castle grounds to the merchant district, even stopping to buy fruit from a vendor. There was no need to rush, not when she knew the sure-fire way of travelling to Ukiyo, cheap and hassle-free.

Munching on her fruit, Kyu flitted about the merchant stalls and open-air vendors until she spotted her target: a caravan bearing the crest of Ukiyo’s largest merchant guild.  Peddlers from the East. Sure enough, two tanned men in traditional Eastern robes were loading up the back with barrels of spices. 

 _‘Hope you boys don’t mind loading up one more package,’_ Kyu grinned as she slid the collar of her tunic off her shoulders. Hiking up both her boobs and her skirt, the fairy thief went to work.  As quick as her small hands were to nick a money pouch, her true specialty involved a more skilled and subtle brand of thievery:

Stealing hearts.

“Ee-yo!  Meesa sooo hawwny!  Ukiyo boyos gimmie ride?  Meesa love you long time!”

The two traders stared dumbly at the jiggling breasts and wiggling hips paraded in their faces.  Kyu grinned, knowing she had them hooked. 

But then -

“I’m sorry - _‘Ukiyo boys_?’  Did you just assume our nationality?” 

“And that we can’t speak fluent Common?”

“That’s horrible!”

“That’s demeaning!”

Her condemnation came in stereo: _“That’s racist!”_

Kyu switched to defense. “Whoa! Time out, guys. You got me all wrong! First off, I gots nothing but mad respect for you Eastern boys.  You guys have done so much for the cultural revolution.”

The taller trader scowled. “Like?”

His shorter companion nodded along. “Yeah, like?”

“Like, um ... oh! Those illuminated manuscripts! That one about the schoolgirl and the octopus?  Claaaastic stuff there! And your morality plays! I love me the one about the whiny boy who has to pilot the giant clockwork golem.  _‘Get in the golem, Shinju!’_   SO deep!” 

Nothing.

“C’mon guys, I’m not racist!  Some of my best lays have been from Ukiyo!  I love giving it up to you bad boys, even if you guys do have itsy-bitsy teeny-weenies.  They’re ... exotic!”

Kyu swallowed.

“I’m just digging myself in deeper, aren’t I?”

“You’re not helping.”

“Not helping at all.”

Her plan in utter shambles, Kyu had but one recourse: she started to cry. 

“I – I – I’m so sowwwwy!”  Tears gushed from her eyes and snot dribbled from her nose.  The two traders exchanged glances, then very reluctantly sighed in defeat. 

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Miss.”

“We... kind of are from Ukiyo.”

“We get this stuff all the time.”

Kyu gave a small sniffle.  “I’m sorry, guys. I just really, really need a ride out East. Can I let you in on a secret? I’m actually an adventurer hired by Queen Belrose to go save her kidnapped daughter.”

The traders exchanged glances.

“Actually, we have a secret of our own.”  The taller trader waved Kyu closer. She eagerly cupped a hand to hear the low whisper. “We’re actually spies for Ronin Aiko, charged with infiltrating and sabotaging your kingdom.”

“Wait, wha-?  AAAH!”

The shorter trader pressed only the flat of his dagger against Kyu’s spine, but to a fairy, the iron blade stung all the same.  A few seconds of direct contact knocked the sprite out cold. The traders grinned maliciously.

* * *

One rope and burlap sack later, Kyu’s request for transport was fulfilled.  With a heave and a ho, the covert spies swung the fairy into the back of their caravan. They dusted their hands contently.

“Hmph, serves her right for spouting all those stereotypes,” the taller trader nodded. “There’s more to our beloved nation than perverted octopi and melodramatic children’s stories!”

His shorter companion was less mirthful as he inspected the contents of his pantaloons. “She wasn’t wrong about our weenies...”

“Hey, don’t lump me in with your insecurities!”

“Now what?” the shorter trader inquired. “Are you sure we shouldn’t just kill her now?”

“Don’t be an idiot!  Ronin Aiko promised fifty gold coins to whoever brought her an adventurer’s head, right?”

“Right...”

“So? Just think of how much she’ll pay for the _entire body_ , alive and kicking!”

“Oh yeah!  Hey, that is smart!”

“Of course it is.  There’s no way this plan could bite us in the ass.”

* * *

As the caravan bounced its way along Glenberry’s country roads, a burlap sack in its back compartment wriggled and jiggled.  Kyu’s head popped out of the sack with a deep gasp, pausing only to spit up the pit of a medicinal, pain-numbing fruit.

“Whaddya know? Looks like I can fake all sorts of screams.”

She cocked an ear to the front of the carriage. Satisfied that her escape had gone unnoticed, the fairy adjusted some sacks of flour into a nice travelling cushion and pried open the closest barrel.  “Apples, noice!”

As she settled in for her long and leisurely ride to the dread lands of Ukiyo, Kyu had only one word to spare for the Ronin’s undercover spies.

“Suu-ckers!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like for Kyu, everything is going just as keikaku.
> 
> (translator's note: 'keikaku' means 'plan'.)


End file.
